Chapter 7

Of course he could not fall in love with me. I had this curse that could harm him. This was all for his own good. But why did he still do all these things when he did not like me? I wondered if he did that to every girl he knew. Then tell them that he did not like them. He must be that sort of person. A bastard who likes to see girls cry in front of him.

I hated him to the core.

I went home with my eyes still red. Landy was in, reading a magazine. When she saw me, she frowned, knowing something had happened. I told her everything within fifteen minutes.

"He sucks." She commented, sharing my exasperation. "He just sucks. Painfully sucks." I nodded, agreeing with her every word. "But he’s just so… nice, isn’t it? So romantic… so… nice."

"Idiot. I hate him. I hate him"

"You love him, Joanna. It’s the other way round."

Her sentence sent me into a whirlpool of thought. I cried so hard when he said he could not fall in love in me. Was it because of the fact that I liked him? I had not cried that much since my mother’s death.

My hand phone beeped. There was an incoming message. Landy passed me the phone and said, "It has to be Jacky."

I opened the message and truly, it was him.

I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u?

I read the message aloud to Landy. She beamed and exclaimed, "Say yes!"

I did not heed her advice. I typed a No and replied to him. "No, I’m not keen anymore." I told Landy. “I don’t wanna go out with an idiot."

"You’re going for the appointment, not going out with Jacky, my gosh!"

I was still trying to control my tears. I should not cry in front of my best friend. I had always been the strong independent girl. I would not cry for a guy again!

A new message came in.

Let me fetch you on that day, okie?

I replied a No again. I had enough of this guy. Trying to help me? Or maybe he was just doing all this so that he could skip school! That bastard!

"Come on, relax and let’s talk this out. It’s very obvious, Joanna, that you’ve fallen in love with Jacky. Why not just admit that, and we’ll have an easier time to decide on whether to go or not?"Landy was saying. But I was not paying attention. I was looking at my phone, wondering if Jacky would reply or not.

Slowly, I digested Landy’s words. It was really clear. It was just too clear. Maybe I just dared not say it out. Finally, after fifteen minutes of battle with my tears, I lost. A drop rolled out. I wiped it off instantly. Landy, somehow, had seen it.

"Cry it out, Joanna. Cry it out."

A new message.

Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…

I replied a No.

"I know you’re going for the therapy because of him."

"I’m not!" I retorted.

"Then…" Landy whispered so soft that I had to read from her lips."Why are you not going anymore, after he said all that?" And she made sense.

A new message came in. Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. I replied a No again and looked at Landy. I was lost for words. She had hit my vital point. Jacky then replied, Ease your illusions! let me help…

I shrugged. I did not know what to tell Landy, and I did not reply to Jacky. I was caught at a crossroads, not knowing where to go. Landy was quiet, eyeing me, as if waiting for me to say something.

You’ve gotta go for it!

Only you… yourself can help yourself…

Understanding yourself is most important…

I looked at the messages. He had sent me three messages in a short span of five minutes. Landy was frowning, obviously curious at the messages that Jacky had sent me.

I crossed my legs, then my arms. Then I threw my hand phone onto the sofa and closed my eyes. My mind had dealt with too many emotional battles within a day: I guessed it needed a long rest.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Avoiding Jacky was one of the toughest things to do at school.

He was everywhere. I tried not looking at him, but realized I couldn’t. I wanted to see his expression: Was he feeling angry, guilty or happy? Or maybe he was just indifferent?

In fact, there was no change. His trademark smile still lingered on his face. He still greeted every lecturer as if they were his best pals. He even tried to joke with me, but I did not laugh and he did not continue the conversation.

Finally lunch break came and this was the most awkward moment for me, as we always had our lunch side by side. I bought my own food and sat alone, wondering if he would still join me. Instead one of my classmates sat beside me and I glared at her. She stared at me, then at the seat, and finally walked off.

Jacky was at the drinks stall. Would he buy me my drink? I scanned my food, trying to stop myself from looking at him. Then a familiar deep voice hailed me. "Here’s your drink. Diet coke with salt."

I looked up. There he was, Jacky Wu, sitting beside me. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, startled but not surprised. He smiled, and then ate his food. I did the same thing. A few awkward minutes passed.

"I’ll pick you up next Tuesday morning. I’ve applied for an official break from the school."

"Okay."

Okay? What was I thinking? Landy, help me. Landy, I’m mad. Landy…

"Good. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the morning sun from an angle other than from the school on a weekday. I’m so excited."

I nodded. I must be crazy. I felt so much like flipping the table over and giving him a tight slap on his face. Yet I just sat there, agreeing and nodding to everything he said. My body was not listening to my mind. I must be mad. I must be.

"Great." He said. "You received my messages yesterday?"

I nodded again. I must have forgotten how to speak English.

"All of them? There’s a hidden message. Can you decode it?"

I shrugged. What was he saying?

"Have you deleted the messages?"

I nodded. If I said otherwise, he might get the idea that I had stored every message that he sent me.

"Oh, okay." He said, and then continued with his food. "Read some of Dan Brown’s books. The Da Vinci Code, Deception Point and Angels & Demons. Most importantly, read Digital Fortress. It’s a novel about breaking codes." He smiled, and then suddenly laughed out loud for no reason. "However, reading them won’t help you solve the code."

Was that a joke? If so, it was just so not funny.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Hidden message?" Landy was saying, looking at the messages. "Has he read too many ‘The Da Vinci Code’?"

"Beats me." I had written down all the messages on a piece of paper. They all sounded so normal. "Maybe he’s just trying to be funny. He’s always funny. But his jokes are not funny."

"Yeah, maybe that’s why you like him."

I ignored her comments and stared at all the messages again.

I’m sorrie if I say anything wrong… u will still come for the appointment, won’t u? Let me fetch you on that day, okie? Only you can help yourself. come on, reply a yes…Vent your thoughts to others please… it’s the only way out. Ease your illusions! let me help…You’ve gonna come for it! Only you… yourself can help yourself… Understanding yourself is most important…

Hidden message? Crap. But still, I spent an hour reading and re-reading the messages. It did not make the slightest sense. If he had wanted to start a conversation, he should have thought of a better idea than saying there was a hidden message in his SMSes. So clich?d.

Chapter 8

I inspected the waiting area. The lighting was bright. There were many sofas along with some tables, all neatly placed, and a few stacks of magazines were resting on the tables. I stole a quick look at them. Most of them were parenting magazines.

Jacky came forward with two cups of plain water. A few parents were with their young children (most of them below five years old). "It’s so empty here." I whispered, taking a sip of the water. If I had spoken freely, my voice would have carried throughout the entire waiting area.

"No worries." Jacky patted my shoulder. The nurses at the counter were chatting with each other. A few doctors in their white coats walked in and out of their rooms, holding folders in their hand. I wondered which of them I would be allocated to. The nurse had said "Dr. Ong"

"Joanna Fung?"I glanced up. Out of nowhere, a tall young man was standing in front of me. He was wearing his doctor’s coat and looked like a decent chap, with his thick glasses and neat hairstyle. I stood up instantly and offered my hand for a handshake."Come with me, will you?" he smiled. I turned and looked at Jacky. He was winking at me, and then relaxed on the sofa.

I was led into Room 15, with the tag "Dr. Ong Kim Leng"on the door. The room had a sofa, a table strewn with toys, a big whiteboard and a desk with a computer. Dr. Ong sat on a chair and motioned for me to sit down. I looked around and realized that I should sit on the sofa. Never before had I sat on a sofa when I went to see a doctor.

"Alright, Joanna, seventeen years old. Junior College student. National Junior College. Not bad." He rolled his chair in front of me and pulled out a file with a pen. "Now, it’s only you and me. Just you, Joanna Fung, and me, Dr. Ong."

I nodded.

"So whatever we say here, no one else is going to know. Alright? So we have a pact."

I nodded again, this time nervous.

"I just want to let you know that coming here is the right choice. You know something is wrong, and you’re admitting it. Finally."

I did not wish to nod, but still, I did. He was very nagging.

"Alright then, let’s not waste each other’s time. So, come on, tell me what’s bothering you."

Finally I got to talk. I told him everything that I had told Jacky about: The Curse.Dr. Ong was amazingly attentive: he kept on listening, and while listening, he would write something on the file. Sometimes he would draw something and asked me irrelevant questions.

"Tell me frankly, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Are you happy when chatting with your best friend, Landy?"

"Yes."

"How do you feel if I tell you that you’re a very creative thinker?"

"I don’t know."

Finally, after an hour of confessing my problems to him, he closed his file. "Do you have any questions for me" he asked me. I shook my head. "Alright then. What you’re suffering from is a mental illness called ‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder’, or OCD for short."

I shrugged. I had never heard of this before.

"Before I go on to tell you what OCD is, I’ll give you a simple example. Have you seen people in the coffee shop washing their hands almost every few minutes, rubbing their hands with soap till they tear their skin?"

I nodded. I had known someone like that in my secondary school days. She just kept on going to the toilet to wash her hands. I always thought that she was just paying more attention to hygiene than us.

"You see, they’re also suffering from OCD. They feel that their hands are always dirty, so they have the urge to wash them again and again. They’re obsessed with the thought of dirty hands. And they wash their hands to make them feel better. That’s their compulsion."

"And?"

"You’re also suffering from OCD. Your case is a bit different. You’re obsessed with the thought that you’re ‘cursed’, hence you have the compulsion of not talking to others. It will make you feel better."

Crap, I thought.

"In mental terms, we’re in a cycle of thought, behavior and feeling. You have the thought of fear when talking to others, fearing that you might curse them. So your behavior will be to avoid talking to them."

I toyed with my fingers. I was not paying attention. He stood up and began to draw the cycle for me to see.

"So, we can’t change your thoughts. And your feeling, your fear, is created by your thoughts. So we can only help to change your behavior. Through a change in your behavior, your thoughts and feelings will change as well. We’ll go through a therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy to change your behavior. In other words, to be happy, you have to change the world or change your thinking. We’re here to change your thinking."

"Okay, so, when can we start?"

Dr. Ong stared at me, his eyes and mouth wide open. I must have been the first patient to accept his diagnosis and treatment so straightforwardly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Obsession Disordering Of …computing." I explained to Jacky. "Eh, wait. OCD. Obsession Computer Disordering? I forgot the name of it. The short form is OCD."

"Sounds like the Police Force in Robocop, OCP. And what is it all about?"

"I am obsessed with the ‘curse’. And I’m controlled by it. So they’re trying to change my thinking-eh, no. Not thinking. They’re trying to change my behavior. So that my thinking will change. And my feelings will change."

"The Thought-Feeling-Behavior cycle. I’ve heard of it before."

"Whatever." I blurted. "And I’m supposed to meet this Mr. Kam later on. He’ll do a therapy on me. Change my behavior. Change my thoughts. Change my feelings."

I was prescribed with medications that cost me well over ten bucks. It was "Fluoxetine",some sort of SSRI (as mentioned by Dr Ong), or simply, an anti-depressant.

We waited for another half an hour before Mr. Kam came forward to meet me. He was in his forties, with a lean build. We greeted each other and he led me to another room, leaving Jacky alone again.

This time, the room was smaller. There were two small chairs, a small table and a desk. The walls were lined with drawings by children less than ten years old. I sat on one of the chairs. "I’ve read your files. I know everything about your condition, but I would like to hear the whole story again, from yourself."

And once again, I revealed my ‘curse’. Miraculously, I had now told three people about my ‘curse’ within two weeks.

"Alright. OCD." Mr. Kam did not seem to be as friendly as Dr. Ong."This therapy involves doing something that is against your will. You think you can curse someone. So, come on. Curse me"

I was taken aback. He was insane. He must be. I had never expected that the fourth person I had confided my secret in would ask me to curse him.

"Go on, curse me"

"I really have the curse" I said."Don’t play these games."

He pointed at his forehead. "It’s all in the mind, Joanna. Your thoughts. Your thoughts are telling you it’s wrong. But I want to prove your mind wrong instead. Curse me. When your behavior changes, so do your thoughts, and eventually, your feelings. And then you’ll be cured. Come on."

I was thinking of Jacky. I wondered how he would react. This Mr. Kam was asking for trouble. He looked harmless though.

"No." I said.

"Do you want to be cured?"

"I’m not sick. I’m cursed."

"Trust me. Just this once. Just say that sentence. Prove me wrong"

"I don’t want to ruin you!"

"You won’t. Curse me leniently then. We’ll do it slowly."

"No, please…"

"Oh come on! Don’t make me bribe you with candies."

"Please don’t force me"

"Come on!"

"Stop it…"

"Curse me!"

I could no longer take it. I stared at him, thought for a while then said softly, "You’ll break your arm within this week."

Mr. Kam smiled. He must be sick in the mind. He was the sick one, not me. That sicko! Trouble seeker."Good, Joanna. How are you feeling now"

I kept quiet for a while. "Regretful. I just want to say sorry in advance to you. I hope you’ve bought insurance."

"Don’t worry, I’m insured. From a scale of one to hundred, one being least depressed, hundred being most depressed, how depressed are you feeling now?"

"Hundred" I said. He showed me a piece of paper with a table drawn on it and wrote something.

We chatted about irrelevant things for the next ten minutes. He told me about the various kinds of obsessions people had, like the fear of using a fork and the fear of crossing the road. I was kind of amused yet at the same time amazed by these real-life stories. After fifteen minutes, he asked me how depressed I was again. I said hundred once more. An hour later, he asked again and I said hundred. Mr. Kam did not look pleased.

He got me another date to come back for the next therapy session."I believe by then your depression level won’t be hundred"

"Maybe more" I said and went out to meet Jacky.

When I told him what I had done, he just smiled. He did not believe in my curse as well. I would show him. I would show them just how powerful my curse is.

Gosh, can’t they understand me?

Chapter 9

Sometimes, I thought, strange things happen.

For the past few years after my mum’s demise, I had not celebrated my birthday. I would spend the day daydreaming or watching television. Landy does know when my birthday is, but strangely, she never once made an effort to celebrate it with me.

However, this year, it was special. I had gone to school as usual, absorbed in the lecturer’s droning voice and immersed in the countless tutorials. When school ended though, Jacky came forward. He was half smiling and not looking into my eyes. This was the first time I saw embarrassment in his expression.

"Hi, Joanna, well" he zipped opened his bag and took out a wrapped box. It was rather small and the wrapping was done exquisitely. A red ribbon was tied on top. "Happy Birthday." He said, and with two hands, passed me the box.

I took a step back, inspected the box and then eyed him. A long period of silence went by. Jacky’s head was still hanging low. After a few seconds, he bit his teeth and whispered, "Take it, quick! I’m going to pee if you don’t take it!"

Finally I took the present. "Thanks." I said. It was very light and the box was hard. It had to be plastic.

"I’ve got to go." He said and went off, leaving me alone with the box. "I’m not embarrassed! I’m really not embarrassed! I just need to pee! Just, just wear it everyday!" he yelled as he was far away from me.

I went home and with Landy, we opened the present. It was a branded watch. From then on, I wore the watch almost every time I went out. It had become part of my life.

That silly guy. What’s there to be embarrassed about?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky accompanied me when I went for my next appointment with Dr. Ong.

"How was the therapy with Mr. Kam?"Dr. Ong asked.

"I cursed him."

Dr. Ong did not seem worried. He wrote something on his file. "Good for you. Okay, I remember you once said you’ve got a best friend called Landy who is immune to your curse?"

I nodded.

"Can you get her to meet me next time?"

"I don’t think there’s a need"

"Doctor’s order. It will help, a lot. Alright?"

Reluctantly, I nodded. When I told Jacky about it, he said he was eager about meeting Landy as well. And I felt something. Like a little anger directed at Landy.

Was that feeling… jealousy?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When more strange things happened, I knew somehow or other that my life had changed.

On one of those days, I woke up very early in the morning. Having nothing to do, I took out almost every scrap of food in the refrigerator. Then I took wholemeal bread and began to make a sandwich with all the trimmings.

I completed my ten-centimetre-high sandwich after fifteen minutes and packed it into a plastic bag. At lunch break that day, after Jacky and I had finished our meals, I passed him the sandwich.

"You made it?"

I nodded, not looking at him. But I was curious to see what his expression was, so I stole a quick look at him, and my eyes never left his then.

His eyes were red. He was munching on the sandwich as if it was some expensive food from a classy restaurant. He then folded the plastic bag into a nice shape and kept looking at me.

"Is it nice?" I asked.

"Too nice." He said, and suddenly I could hear his breathing. He was blinking a lot faster, as if to combat any tears. “Too nice.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"You made a sandwich for him? But you’re such a lousy cook! I mean, two months ago, you tried cooking instant noodles with egg and you didn’t even bother to crack open the egg. Wait a moment." Landy said, leaning forward to me. I could not tell whether she was serious or not. "Did you actually use bread to make the sandwich? Or did you use sand instead?"

I pushed her away and I laughed. It felt so good to laugh."Bread. And yeah, by the way, Dr. Ong wanted to see you"

"Me?" Landy crossed and uncrossed her legs a few times. "Why me?"

"I don’t know. You’re my best friend. My only friend. Maybe that’s why."

"Can I… not go?"

"Come on, go. You’ll be able to see Jacky"

"Arh. Jacky here, Jacky there." Landy said, stuffing her mouth with a few Mentos sweets. "Alright then, I’ll go for you. Tell me, is that… Dr. Ong handsome? Is he married?"

"He’s single and available. He has a body of steel and a nuclear-powered mind. But be careful: He’s spent his campus life learning how to read people’s minds. You won’t wanna play with his heart."

"I love challenges"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was having my breakfast that day in school with Jacky beside me when my phone rang. Glancing around to make sure no lecturers were around, I took out my phone. It was an unknown number.

It was a nurse from Child’s Guidance Clinic. After confirming my identity, she said, "You’ve got an appointment with Mr. Kam this afternoon, right?"

"Yes." I said, and looked at Jacky. He had stopped chewing and was darting his eyes at me. Mr. Kam was the therapist I had cursed not too long ago.

"Mr. Kam is on long term M.C. He’ll be back next month. I’ve checked with Dr.Ong, your doctor. He said he’d get another therapist for you. You have an appointment with Dr. Ong tomorrow, right? He’ll brief you on that"

I nodded at the phone. I had been expecting this. Jacky’s mouth was wide open, trying to read something from my expression. I must be frowning.

"And yes, Dr. Ong reminded you to bring your friends along."

"Friends?"I asked. I thought it was just Landy?

"Yes, that’ll be… Miss Landy and Mr. Jacky."

Oh. Jacky is just a friend.

"I will. Will do. Thanks."

After I had told Jacky everything, he shrugged and then smiled"Dr. Kam must have a very high fever."

"He broke his arm."

"The nurse said that?"

"No, I didn’t ask-"

"Then let’s just presume he had a very very high fever, alright"Jacky agrued. "Please, Joanna. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on, repeat after me. Mr. Kam had a very high-"

"fever." I said, feeling like a primary school child.

"No, you must read after me. Mr. Kam had a very high fever. Come on".

"Mr. Kam had a very high fever." I said. Then I realized something.

When I was with Jacky, I felt like a child in a nursery. And he, he was not the teacher, nor the fellow children. He was the big brother who always stood outside the window, smiling, encouraging and giving me tips. And throughout the whole day, I would be staring at the window, wondering when I would be able to be with him again.

Oh shit. What am I thinking?

Chapter 10

"She knows how to get here?" Jacky asked me for the fifth time.

"Yes." I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of the Child’s Guidance Clinic, waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy had said she would apply for leave today just for this appointment.

The lift opened and finally Landy came out. She was wearing a small tee-shirt and jeans. "Landy, this is Jacky."I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the area behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and extended her hand.

"Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you.""Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.

Jacky was still looking stunned, as if Landy was some superstar. His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. "Oh, Landy."He shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still extended. "Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy"he said, waving his hand instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.

"What’s wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing." Jacky waved off his hand. "Just another headache. Landy’s too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache."

Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong but he was too intent on studying Jacky.

"Dr. Ong, this is Jacky." I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy."And this is Landy"

Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, "Alright, Landy, can you follow me to the room?"

Jacky crossed his leg, looking uncomfortable. He seemed to be grinding his own teeth. I patted him on the shoulder. "It’s going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy."

But still, Jacky stayed silent. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, there was nothing I could do so we just sat staring at into space. A few minutes later, Dr. Ong came out alone.

"Mr. Wu?” Dr Ong called Jacky. He extended his hand and this time, Jacky shook it. "Come this way please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, alright? I need to talk to them alone"

I nodded.

I killed my time by drinking water from the water cooler. About half an hour later, I was summoned into the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent a SMS, explaining that she had something on. So I was left alone with Jacky and Dr Ong. What an odd social cocktail.

"Jacky, you may go out now."

I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.

"I’ll assign another therapist for you."Dr Ong said.

"I cursed the pervious one. Told him that he’d break his hand. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long term MC."

"He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his hand"

I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, don’t they?

"It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your anti-depressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”

"Whatever"

"I’ll call you again after I’ve found another therapist"

I was desperate to get out of the room suddenly. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong had given me the prescriptions, I dashed out and as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.

He wanted to take a taxi. After much negotiation, I agreed to it. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.

When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said "West Coast Park."

I disagreed, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something was very wrong. So I went with him.

Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We took a long walk along the beach, glancing out at the sea.

The sun had just set, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The currents of the sea slowly devoured the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push her tip to our feet.

We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s less desirable habits when he suddenly interrupted.

"Can I hold your hand?" he said.

I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I am. However, I did none of the above. I balled my hand into a fist and snorted, "I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand"

"Can I hold your hand?"

I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. "You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your… reasons."

"Can I hold your hand?"

Now I really felt like punching him. "No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers" Not yet.

"Can I hold your hand?"

"I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be, because I have this curse, and you’ve got your own reasons."

"Can I hold your hand?

"Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then we can."

"Can I hold your hand?"

"Remember what you once said"I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking a lot faster than normal."If we hold hands, your reputation will be spoilt. I don’t want to do that."

"Can I… hold your hand?” he repeated, this time weaker.

I continued walking. This was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I stopped in my tracks.

His eyes were red, and a few drops of tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.

And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. And as my blinking glistened back to normalcy, tears rolled out of my eyes as well and I jerked harder.

We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But when I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.

Only warmth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We locked hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we reached my void deck, he released my hand and said, "Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here." He pointed to his heart.

This time, I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The tough introvert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. "Thanks” that was all I could manage to say.

Jacky released me gently and took tissue paper to wipe off my tears. "Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here."

I nodded.

"I am just like the sun and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight."

I nodded. If he kept on talking, I could flood the void deck with my tears.

"Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But me, I will change the world for you."

I said nothing because my mouth had been choked with my sobbing.

Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time reach a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. When she saw my reddened eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.

And finally I admitted my true feelings to her.

"I’ve fallen in love with a guy. And his name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don’t know if he likes me or not." I said. I was lying on the sofa, still wearing my uniform. I did not feel like bathing all of a sudden, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s smell.

"Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those… mushy yet romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl." Landy was saying. Strange. I had not told her what had happened yet she seemed to know everything.

Although she made sense, I still could not forget what happened that night. "But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend."

She sighed. "Guys. Maybe he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?"

What am I waiting for?

Chapter 11

I took a maximum dosage of anti-depressants every morning.

I got a call from a nurse the next morning when I was in class. I went to the toilet to take the call. Dr Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr. Kam with my curse. They had to believe in it.

Jacky was back to himself. It was like yesterday’s episode never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend, but no. He treated me just like how he treated me before. There was no difference, but I guessed that was a good beginning.

We spent the next few days studying and reading and by the next week, we were on schedule for the full-dress rehearsal of our play.

We had agreed to sing the song together as the play concluded. And I had agreed to do the free-style play. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.

"Two A.M and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You’re telling me you’re so confused
You can’t make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You’re asking me"

Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked forward slowly, looking at the "unconscious” Jacky.

"Romeo." I whispered"No, Romeo…"I rushed forward and genuflected in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breathing and smell his sweat. "Romeo…" I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter, and then laid my head on his chest. "Why are you going away now when I’m so in love with you? Why?"

The audience (consisting of lecturers and our classmates) was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping sound of a mosquito’s wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. "Please leh, stay with me. I love you."

I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do so. Instead, I lay on Jacky’s chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime.

After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.

"But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But I believe
For you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I just play my part
And pray you’ll have a change of heart
But I can’t make you see it through
That’s something only love can do…"

When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of chestnut water beside me. "Poison…" I said to let the audience know that that was not chestnut water. "Poison" I tightened my grip on his hand and I could hear a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. "Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?" And I gulped down the chestnut water. It tasted sweet.

I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky’s. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back.

Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well when one of the lecturers spotted a very obvious mistake on my part.

"When you’re on the stage," she said, "Jacky is Romeo and you’re Juliet."

I wondered if she was trying to be sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our literature lecturer Mrs Goh treated us to dinner after the full-dress rehearsal.

Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said we had"chemistry" and it was a very touching play. I begged to differ, for I thought I could have done better.

"Call Landy and get her to join us." Jacky suddenly cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea so I did not call her. But Jacky persisted, "Go on, call her"

"No means no." I said. I felt like we were a couple having a small spat. Jacky shook his head slightly and did not press the issue.

Almost every student got either their parents or partners to send them home. Mrs Goh offered to give Jacky and me a lift, but we politely refused. And so we took a long bus ride back home.

"Call Landy."Jacky commanded when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus.

"For what?"

He glanced out of the window then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. "Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?" We were in the middle of a highway.

"Why didn’t you go for the previous appointment with Dr Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr Ong. You’re sick." He pointed to my forehead."You need help."

I shoved his hand off again and snorted, "What do you know about me? Why act as if you’re me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher…" I stopped. I should not talk that much. "Just…" I stopped myself.

"I’m going to prove it to you if you still don’t believe me."

"Prove what?"

"Take out your handphone."

I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. "I’m not your servant. I don’t do what you want me to do!"

"I’m going to prove to you that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend."

I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. That was too much. I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt. But his cheek began to swell.

"Landy doesn’t exist," he said.

I gave him another tight slap. The loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes darted towards each other and images of Landy jogged in my mind.

"You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a lady, and you want to be like her. That’s very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You’ve just been talking to your imaginary friend for the-"

"No!" I yelled. My hand was too painful for another slap. "No, no, no! This can’t be! After all these… after all these fucking… fucking… fuck!” I turned. A bus came and I flagged it but it continued to drive past me. On its sign was "Off-Service"

"Joanna"

"Get away from me."

"Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real."

I did what he said.

"Now, read out Landy’s handphone number to me."

I scrolled through the phonebook in my handphone. L… Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke, Luther… I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan is her full name. I strolled to W. Wendy, Winnie. Still no Landy.

"9…" I halted. I did not know what to say. "9…" Her number had got to be there! Someone must have deleted her number off my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialed call. I just had to get to my Call Register…

Last Dialed Number: Jacky Wu.

"No…" I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment of this. That bastard…

"When you talk to the phone, you’re just talking to yourself."

"But you saw her! You fucking saw her that day!"

"I saw no one. I acted as if I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?" He broke into a smile, and then pointed to the air beside him. “Hi Jacky, this is Landy.” He paused. “This was what you did."

"She was there" I was screaming now. "Dr Ong saw her as well-"

"He faked it as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day in front of so many people, you’d be agitated. He said that the best remedy for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will go away. That’s the reason why he had increased the dosage of your anti-depressants."

"My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!"

"Your grandma is three-quarters blind. She couldn’t tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one."

"You’re lying." I said."You’re lying!" I saw a taxi from afar. I seized my bag and held my hand out."Fuck off, Jacky. You’re ruining my life."

"Please"

I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.

That bastard. That fucking bastard.

Chapter 12

I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi-driver did nothing. He must have had picked up crying girls all too often.

When I reached home minutes later, I called Landy. Strangely, all I did was to press the last dialed number and Landy’s voice came.

"Landy, can you do me a favour? Come out now. I need your help"

A few minutes later, Landy and I were out on the streets. It was nine at night, but the market place was still teeming with people. I approached the auntie who always sells fish soup to me.

"Hi, auntie." I said. She was an old frail lady, but when I greeted her, her eyes sparkled. She must be surprised, for I had never greeted her before.

"Oh, hi ah girl." She replied after some hesitation.

I pointed to Landy. "This is my best friend, Landy.""I said in Chinese.

She looked at Landy. I knew I was right all along. But after a few seconds, she took a step back and bit her lips. "What? Huh?"

I started to shiver. This can’t be… "This young and pretty lady here," I rested my hand on Landy’s shoulder. "is my best friend."

The auntie was lost for words. "I…"Then she took out a yellow paper from her wallet and clapped her hands together. I stared in disbelief. She started to pray to her surroundings."God bless…" then she said something in Chinese that I could not understand. Before I could say anything, she turned to me and said aloud, "Bye, girl."

She then rushed off as if she had just seen a ghost. And Landy was still smiling.

I did this experiment a few more times with some other people. They either told me to stop joking, or thought I was possessed by some spirit.

None of them could see Landy.

Except me.

And just when I was about to probe Landy about this, she was gone. Just like that. Poof, gone without any warning. And, as expected, I tried calling her but I could not get through.

Oh. Bastard Jacky. He should have just shut the fuck up and left the truth unrevealed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt so lonely.

I went to school as usual the next day, this time, however, feeling like it was the first day of school. I was trying hard to avoid Jacky, but he was, as usual, as sticky as glue. He tried to start a conversation but I would cut him off with these two words: "Shut up"

Finally lunch break came. This was the first time that I was not looking forward to it. Jacky bought my drink, but I went off and bought my own."Joanna-"

"Shut up" I said it for the tenth time.

"Let me help-"

"Why are you doing all this?" Now I was boiling with anger. Could it be the laksa in front of me that spurred me? When I looked at Jacky, I realized it was not the laksa. It was his face: his compassionate face that fueled the anger within me. "Why are you doing all this, Jacky!?"I was half-yelling.

"I want to do something meaningful"

"Fuck you!" I screamed. The whole canteen went quiet. Only the sound of the fans’ whirring could be heard. “Don’t give me that fucking excuse anymore! There’re more than a thousand people in this school: Why me? Why!?"

He was quiet and seemed to be on the verge of tears.

"Is it because you pity me!?" If he was facing me, I could have given him a tight slap. "Is it because you think I need sympathy, that’s why you’re doing all this!?"

"Yes. Maybe because I pity you that’s why I’m doing all this." He said softly. People were bending forward, trying to make out what he had just said.

"And when you knew that my best friend is an imaginary friend, you pitied me more?! That’s why you held my hand!? Be nice to me, because the best remedy for imaginary friends is to make me happy and socially involved? That’s why you said all those fucking idiotic things at my void deck!?"

I could tell that he was thinking. "Maybe" He answered softly again. “That may be the reason."

"You bastard." A whisper this time. I splashed my glass of Diet Coke onto his face. Then I smacked his cheek hard. “You bastard.” I said again, and then walked off.

I was expecting him to give chase. But he did not.

He must have stopped pitying me. I went straight to the toilet. No one bothered to come forward to console me. After washing my tears off, it was time to go back to class. I was dreading having to see Jacky again.

We did not say anything more for the rest of the day. I confined myself to my notes and he was absorbed in the lecturer’s voice.

Gosh oh gosh. What the heck had just happened? What the heck had I just done? An imaginary friend? A one-sided love story?

Suddenly it occurred to me. Now I knew why Jacky could not be my boyfriend. That night, when he said we could not be together, I had cursed him. I had cursed him not to fall in love with me when I was angry.

My. Gosh. It was my fault. My fault!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I went back to an empty house. My grandmother came home after a few hours. Had she been seeing things as well for the past four years?

"Grandma," I asked in Hokkien. "Do you remember Landy?"

"Of course." She replied.

I looked around the living room. It was empty except for her and me. I pointed to the empty sofa and said, "She’s here."

She made an effort to look at the sofa then turned back at me. Her answer sent chills down my spine. "Yes, she still looks so beautiful. I’m going back to my room. You have a nice chat with her."

"Can you… chat with me?" I requested. Since my mother’s death, I had not had a decent chat with my grandmother. We had a "hi" & "bye" relationship. She had earned her living through collecting cans and donations from the residents. All my allowances came from her and from my auntie.

My grandmother rolled her eyes. She ambled to the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside me. She must have forgotten that Landy was "there"

Jacky had called me a few times but I rejected all his calls. I felt that he was just putting on a mask.

"I’m feeling very lonely." I told my grandmother. It was just so weird. I meant, my grandmother had always been so close to me, yet I had always consigned her to one side, as if she did not exist.

"How old are you already, Gwan?" she suddenly asked. Gwan was the name that my parents used to call me. It had such a forgotten history that I nearly couldn’t remember that was my name.

I told her almost everything about myself. My age, my school and my life in general. I did not tell her about Landy and my curse. Instead, I found myself talking to her about Jacky. It just came out of nowhere.

"He’s a very nice and handsome guy." I said. "Tall, tanned and always smiling. I always tell myself that I had not fallen in love with him."

"Why?"

"Because… I don’t know. I knew I couldn’t love him. Grandma, what does love feels like"

My grandmother took a very long breath. However, I could tell that she was not thinking. She was preparing for a very long chat. "Easy. Tell me, two hours ago, who were you thinking of?"

I thought back. "Jacky."

"Who are you thinking of now?"

"Jacky."

"And if you’re still thinking of him two hours later, you’re in love. Gwan, love is a simple thing. It’s either you love, or you don’t. You can try everything, almost everything to prevent yourself from loving, but it all boils down to this: Either you love, or you don’t."

I pondered on her words.

"Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before. Have I told you about the magnet theory?"

I shook my head.

"You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc.

"However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love."

What a load of bullshit.

However, when I realized I was thinking of Jacky two hours later, I began to ponder her words again. Our metal bar… where can we find it? I wanted so much to ask my grandmother about it again, but she was asleep.

And so I went to bed as well.

Chapter 13

Sometimes, it is so hard to say just three words.

I smelled the rich aroma of Jacky’s coffee. The scent was overbearing. Jacky was sitting beside me, taking another sip of his coffee. I stirred my diet coke with my straw and yawned.

He still sat beside me in class as per his routine, and I did not oppose him. And at lunch break now, we had our lunch in silence. Jacky did not buy my drink; instead I bought his for him. Yet he just passed me the money without saying a word.

Through the corner of my eye, I could see that he had finished his coffee and was coughing as if coffee would create phlegm. On the contrary, my diet coke was still full. There were still about ten more minutes before we had to head back to class.

Come on, say it, Joanna!

I turned to Jacky. Stunned, he returned my look. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot. Despite downing the whole cup of coffee, his lips still looked dry."You look pale." I suddenly said and instantly regretted it.

"Is it?"he twisted his neck. “Lack of sleep. Been thinking…"

I wanted so much to crack a joke so that he would regain the redness on his cheeks. But I did not. I must say it now, or never.

Come on, be brave, just three words!

"Hey" I muttered, softer this time. I did not want others to hear me.

"Hey." He replied. That idiot. Can’t he see that I’m struggling to say something to him?

"Hey" I said again.

"Hey"

"Hey, hey."

"Can I…” he stopped.

"Wait" I felt as if this conversation was going nowhere.I

"Hold your"

"Love-"

“Hand?”

“You"

When we both finished our sentences, his head dropped on the table slowly, creating a loud "bang"His body began to sway towards me. I leaned forward to hold his shoulder, trying to break his fall but he was too heavy. He went tumbling onto the ground and all I could do was to lessen the impact of the fall.

His eyes were closed and his cheeks were drained of colour. I shook his shoulders violently. Bewildered students crowded around us, whispering yet doing nothing.

"Jacky!" I was shaking him, but he gave no response. "Jacky!"

A lecturer came, dispersed the students and sent Jacky to the hospital.

And I went along with the ambulance, my heart beating so fast that I could have had a heart attack anytime.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jacky’s mother was a beautiful woman – it was obvious now where Jacky’s striking features had come from. She sat in the waiting room, muttering things that I could not understand.

I was with Michael and Jacky’s other friends, all waiting anxiously as he was wheeled into the ward. Michael was trying to console all of us, and he was the one that introduced us as classmates of Jacky to his mother.

The wait was over in about fifteen minutes. The doctor came out and talked to Jacky’s mother for a while. He was not smiling, nor was he frowning. When he finished, the nurse spoke to Jacky’s mother as the doctor went off.

We went forward. I was trying to discern something from Jacky’s mother’s expression. She seemed relieved.

"Jacky’s fine. Thanks a lot for all your concern. He just fainted due to stress over his studies. And he’s not fit to see anyone now. Come back another day, alright?" Jacky’s mother told us after the nurse had left.

Everyone left but I stayed. I could sense that something was wrong. Jacky’s mother did not seem worried when talking to us. What left me dumbfounded was why Jacky should be hospitalized when he was merely under too much stress.

I entered the ward. Jacky’s mother’s eyes were red-shot. She had been crying. When she saw me, she cupped her eyes for a while before opening them.

"Didn’t I ask you all to go back home first?" she said, a bit impatiently.

"Can I talk to you?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Instead of talking at the hospital’s cafeteria, we went to the park.

Jacky’s mother was a reserved lady. Throughout the whole journey, she said nothing. When we reached the park, we sat beside an old man. The old man was wearing a patient’s uniform, and he kept smiling at me as if he knew me.

"It’s not just over-stress, right?"

"It is."

"Being hospitalized for over-stress? Not waking up till now simply because he’s under too much stress? I’ve-"

"Please don’t act as if you know Jacky very well. You’re just his classmate, a friend, or whatever. Please, I don’t want to start a quarrel or whatever. When I said over-stress, it’s over-stress. What more can I say?"

"But-"

"He’s just under too much stress. If you don’t believe me, fine with that. I’m going back to my office. I don’t want to be over-stressed myself." With that, she went off, leaving me alone with the old man.

"Young lady," the old man suddenly asked. "Are you just his classmate, a friend?"

He must have been eavesdropping on our conversation. However, I saw no harm in telling him the truth, so I said, "I believe I’m more than that."

"Alright then, love him while you can. In love, there’s only love or don’t love. Since you love him, do it now." The old man said.

Why do all old people say the same thing? For a nanosecond, I wondered if he was my long-lost dead Grandfather or not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Suddenly, it all made sense. It all made so much sense that I bought a pack of cigarettes and lighted one before going back to the ward.

"I wanna help you. To see you smile."

"I want to do something meaningful while I can."

Jacky had said that before. To do something meaningful while he could. I shivered at that thought. I really hoped that it would not be what I had expected.

I walked up the stairs with my head spinning. The cigarette had made me giddy. Jacky had awakened when I reached the ward. He was smiling.

"Hey." I said.

He just nodded weakly, and pointed to the flask of water beside him. I poured him water. "I like coffee better." He smiled.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" I said. I was biting my lips, taking deep breaths. I could hear every single beat of my heart, and it was so fast that I was unable to count.

"You know?" Jacky mouthed.

"Your mother told me all about it."

"Can’t be. I asked her not to tell anyone. She promised."

"How can a matter like this be kept a secret?" I said. I realized I was smiling. Gosh. "So, how many months more do you have?" I suddenly asked, and then whispered very, very softly, "Fuck."

Jacky was avoiding my gaze.

Please, say I’m wrong, say you don’t understand what I mean… please. Please.

It was a long wait. My hands were clutched and I felt the shape of my lips: I was smiling.

Fuck, I’m fucking insane. I’m smiling. I’m smiling. I’m smiling!

Then he did the most astonishing feat I had ever seen in my life. He grabbed a lump of his hair, shook a bit, and pulled it out. Almost all his hairs were in his hand now. His scalp was nothing but few strings of thin hair.

"Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months."

Fuck.

Chapter 14

"Can’t be…" I was shaking and smiling at the same time. "Can’t be… not now… not now! Can’t be!"

How could everything come at this time? Just when I realized I had feelings for him, he had to say that he was dying soon? How could this be happening?

No!

Jacky grabbed my hand. "Cool down-"

"What disease do you have?" I whispered. I was taking three deep breaths a second. "What…?"

"I thought you knew"

"I lied." I said that so softly that I wondered if I had said anything. I stood up and looked out of the window. I could see a slight reflection of myself from the glass window. My eyes were half-closed, red with tears streaming down fast. I was jerking hard, as if there was an earthquake.

"Brain cancer. It’s a hereditary disease, I think. My father had stomach cancer. And now I’ve got brain cancer."

"Isn’t there a cure for it?"

"No. The doctors can only stop the cells from spreading. But there’s a tumour in my head, so it’s hard to do treatment. The only way is…"

"Surgery?"

"Right, but it’s a surgery on the brain. So the risk involved is very high. And the percentage of total recovery is only…" he paused. I waited as I did not want to interrupt him. "Fifteen percent."

"Fifteen? One five, fifteen?"

"Yes"

I ran my fingers through my hair. Why… why is this happening!? Why!?

"No" I was whispering. I stared at the reflection again. I was smiling yet shaking my head. "No, no, no, you’re lying. Oh, fuck, you’re lying." I took out my lighter and ignited it. Then I put it out and ignited it again. I hauled out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and played with the cover.

"Joanna, don’t be like this"

"Stop playing with me, Jacky, stop playing with me." I let out a sigh and dropped the lighter onto the ground. "Stop playing with my feelings. Love, leave, love, leave, love, leave. Stop it all."

"You’ve got to calm down, Joanna. We can-"

“Fuck you.” Suddenly I felt guilty. I was scolding a guy who was going to die. What the heck am I doing? "Fuck" I stopped. I rushed to the door and ran out.

Oh, gosh, oh gosh. Gosh. What a fucking complicated life I’m living.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had lit my fifth cigarette when I decided to think logically. I was sitting on one of the many benches in the park, glaring at every single person walking by. I had a giddy spell by my third stick, but somehow, I just wanted to smoke more.

Cancer? Death? I had never expected such issues to rub shoulders with me. It had always been the least of my worries. For the past few years, I had always been worried only about the words that I said. The curse I have been carrying.

And somewhere out there, someone close to me had been battling an enemy called cancer and fleeing from an adversary named death? Somewhere out there, a person has been smiling for twenty-four hours a day even though he was next to the gates of hell?

I blew the smoke out of my lungs through my nose, somewhat like a dragon. What could I do? What could I do to make him feel better? I was at my wits’ end, trapped in a nest of confusion.

My tears had not stopped streaming since I dashed out of the ward. I had two missed calls traced to Jacky’s handphone. I did not call back. I merely messaged him a "Give me time"I knew I would lose control if I heard his voice.

What must I do now?

I flicked the cigarette butt away and knew there was no way I could find the answer here. I headed home. I might not have Landy anymore, but I had a new chat mate.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fortunately, my grandmother was still awake when I reached home.

It was six-thirty in the evening. She was sitting on the sofa, just like what Landy used to do. She was massaging her legs while watching the news. I sat down next to her.

This is my grandmother? Suddenly, I was hit by a tinge of guilt. We seldom talked, for I had Landy as a companion. But who did she have to confide in? Who did she approach when she was depressed? I have always been beside her, yet I lived in my own little world, ignoring the very same old lady who was sitting in front of me.

I gently pushed her hand away and rubbed at her leg. She smiled and passed me the ointment."Wah, Gwan, so good today"she said.

I shrugged. What kind of life had I been living for the past few years? A life of escape? A life of rebellion? Against this whole world?

I said nothing as I continued to massage. When a droplet of water splashed on my grandmother’s leg, I realized I was crying again. I dared not look up.

"Tell me what happened." My grandmother said.

I recalled the days I spent with Landy. I would sit here, chatting with Landy while my grandmother would greet us and retreat to her room. Jacky changed everything. He chased away my imaginary friend and brought me closer to my grandmother.

I told my grandmother everything about Jacky. I told her how he smiled in every situation, how he always kept his temper. I told her about the first day that he held my hand, and how he helped me thus far. I told her everything, from my curse to Landy. And finally, I told her that Jacky was dying. And I told her of how much I love him.

"I love him." I repeated the sentence, as if it would help. "I love him a lot."

My grandmother did not interrupt me at all. She just nodded and occasionally patted me on my shoulder. Her eyes held contact with mine as I mouthed every word. At times she would smile when I mentioned something funny that Jacky did. Sometimes a frown would appear on her face when I raked up sad memories.

"What do you intend to do?"

I was at a loss for words. Here I was, trying to get an answer to that question. Yet there she was, posing me that question. I shook my head. "What can I do?" I whispered.

"You want me to tell you a story?"

I did nothing. I continued staring at the floor, counting the drops of tears that had escaped from my eyes.

"I’ve never told anyone about the story of your grandfather and me" She grabbed my shoulders and held me straight up. I was amazed by her strength. "Be strong and listen to my story. Because this story is all about courage. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?"

Chapter 15

"Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight.

"He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun."

I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette.

"We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable.

"Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute.

"Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me."

I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder.

"How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife."

I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs.

"Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift."

"You didn’t love him anymore" I asked, curious.

My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, "I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents.

"And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left."

I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: "Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months."

"So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged.

"Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’"

My grandmother smiled when she finished her story. I knew that the memories of her dead husband were replaying in her mind. I, on the other hand, was thinking hard as well. There was a moral in her story, and with a twist of my neck, I finally knew what it was.

"Your grandfather was smiling when he died. Doesn’t matter how long we live as long as we live with a smile on our face."

Yes, now I got it, the moral of the story. At that moment, I wanted to kiss my grandmother, but I dared not. However, after I had picked my keys up, I leaned forward and kissed her. "I love you." I said, and made my way out.

Wait for me, Jacky.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had just finished telling the taxi driver my destination when my handphone rang.

"Joanna?" the female voice on the other end sounded familiar. It was Jacky’s mother. "I don’t know who else to call. You are the only one who knows everything now. Jacky’s in trouble."

My grip on the handphone tightened and I asked, "What’s wrong?"

"The cancer cells are starting to spread. He needs an operation soon. Just… come."

When she hung up, I got the taxi driver to stop. And for the next few minutes, I stared out of the window, saying nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Look at this." the doctor pointed at a negative of a brain X-ray. A dark spot was visible on the left of it. "This is the tumour. His case is Diffuse Astrocytomas Grade Two. The cancer cells will spread, but at a very slow rate. For the past few months, we’ve been trying to stop the cells from spreading too much. But it’s hard now."

I tried to process what the doctor had said. He was explaining in layman’s terms. Jacky’s mother sat beside me, her eyes wide open.

"The reason why we’ve not operated on him is because of the fact that his tumour is very close to his brain stem, a very important structure of the brain. However, his cancerous cells have now spread into the brain stem, growing near the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for the movement of his muscles."

"Surgery is the only way now?" Jacky’s mother said.

The doctor nodded.

"Then what is the success rate?"

The doctor shrugged. Bad news. "Fifteen percent. It is very risky as the cancer cells are inside the brain stem."

"What if he doesn’t take the surgery?"

"He will first become paralysed. Then he will begin losing his brain functions and become brain-dead after a few months" We were left speechless with that. He continued, as if he had no feelings. "The surgery must be done by next week. If not, we will lose control over the cancerous cells."

"Who makes the decision?"

"He’s under eighteen, so the final decision still rests with you."The doctor said. Jacky’s mother’s expression was a fusion of confusion and depression.

"Great." She said, and walked off without saying bye.

Jacky’s dying within a few months. That thought whirled in my mind like a bad dream. Oh, please let me wake up from this nightmare.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had just finished peeling an apple when Jacky woke up. Actually, I had intended to eat the apple, but since Jacky woke up exactly when I had finished peeling it, I passed him the apple. He held out his weakened hand to take the apple.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, eh?"he said, taking a bite. "Get me more apples. Then I’ll be discharged soon."

He already knew the situation. Her mother had agreed to the operation, and he was to undergo the surgery next Thursday. He knew the success rate was only fifteen percent, and he also knew the consequences if he did not undergo the surgery. Yet his trademark smile still lingered on his lips.

I wanted to say something, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Talk to me, Jacky.

"I may have a bandage here on my head when the play comes around, so I may not be able to do the play. You make sure Johnny does a great job, eh?" he said. Johnny, one of our classmates, was to take over him as Romeo. "And yeah, I took up the role because I only needed to memorise two words and got to lie on a pretty girl’s back. But now it’s different. It’s free-style. That’s why I’m backing out." He laughed. It sounded strange.

"Rest" I whispered.

"I’m lying on the bed with a blanket over me. I’m resting. And I’m eating an apple!" With that, he dropped the apple. It rolled off the bed and hit the floor. I went towards it but he stopped me.

"No. I’ll do it" He said, and slowly climbed out of the bed. With great effort, he lifted the apple up as if it weighed ten kilograms. I could not make out whether he was just joking or he was really suffering. "See? I can do it. I can get an apple from the floor. Why can’t I get a rock out of my head? The rock is so much smaller than this apple!"

I stayed with him for a few more hours before I left. As I was on my way out, I saw Doctor Ong, my psychiatrist. I tried avoiding him by looking at the floor, covering my face with my hair. But my uniform gave me away.

"Hey, Joanna." I heard his voice. "I’d really love it if you could come visit me some day." He said, obviously trying to mock me. Go to your clinic and curse more people? I wondered.

"What are you doing here?" I said.

"I’m here to visit your best friend." He stressed the word best. Actually, I wanted to ask him about Landy. But before I could say anything, he was off into Jacky’s ward.

How did he know of Jacky’s condition?